May 21, 2009

Orlando Magic, NBA Oddballs

Yes, Dwight Howard wreaked havoc on the backboard mechanics, just as Shaq of old. Wednesday night against the Cavs, D-Ho dunked thunderously enough that the shotclock sighed backwards. Could Dwight be said to be playing defense even on the clock? Sorry, I'm tired. The game was suspended for "just over 8 minutes," though it was probably more like 15, in order to get it fixed. Gotta love the language on this vid, and with the multiple mentions of "Hedo," it must be Turkish being spoken. Sidenote: baseball games are suspended for rain, basketball games for thunder. Enough. I have a bit I want to say about the Magic, but first a bulleted list of similes for your reading pleasure.
  • Stan Van Gundy's like a college professor mixed in with a little BAM! Emeril.
  • Pietrus is like a raptor, or some insane(ly normalized) android from the future/france, sent to be the unassuming foil to this audaciously wacky Magic club.
  • Andy Varejao's like a rich kid who's just lost his trust fund (look at the 2:16 mark here, his face totally screams, "where's my money?" and not in a Jerry McGuire way)
  • (At the 2:27 mark of the same video,) Lebron's like some faceless, form-defying by means of form-reifying, flying kid on a skateboard, who lands a sick spin over stairs which automatically become the subject of his already moving away from the pathetic excuse for an obstacle, I conquered you, here's a shirt that says you were owned (yeah, all that) stare. Except...
  • Oh yeah, Dwight's just a boy (that's a metaphor, not a simile...or maybe it's just reality, sorry) who wants to have his fun, dammit. And if it means tearing this whole place down and laughing at our consternation (see, if he's the second coming of the Shaqtus, then he pulls down all semblances of paradigm around him, as well as backboards. More on that after the bullet.), then so be it.
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I gotta say, if the Rockets are the right-way torch bearers of the future, and the Nuggets are the real realization of all that right-way basketball can mean, then the Magic are the idiosyncratic cousin of right-wing, right-point, right-post operations. It's not that the Magic do it the "right way." Nor do they do "it" the "wrong way." Rather, they do it their own way. High-school phenom, not so weird. Blossoming point man, okay. But then they snag streetball legend Rafer Alston. And before that, they overpay Rashard Lewis, a non-star who I always thought was a little too dogged about being the last player in the green room. It's like the Paul Pierce dropping to 10th complex multiplied ten times. Fairly debilitating. But the man plays on. And then, the Magic's closer is a 6-10 swing man whose first name is Hidayet, who handles like Kukoc, but has a mug like a pugilist (and let's not forget, he's Turkish not Eastern European like that other guy who played on that Sacto team, which featured young gunner Mike Bibby, who we'll return to in a sec). The rotation is then filled with creation-myth oddballs like the Caribbean/French Pietrus and the Polish Hammer Marcin Gortat. Who claps like the only man who believes in tinkerbell, at the 0:55 mark in the following vid.

Also, the next clip in this vid after Gortat's clapping, there's a soundbite missing. In pointing to the Cavs' lack of experience with pressure situations this playoffs, he made reference to Mike Bibby. I couldn't find the clip, but Van Gundy said something to the effect of, "for crying out loud, they only had to go up against Mike Bibby! Jameer, suit up! You'll beat them with your experiential mojo!" Somewhere, somehow, Mike Bibby's pissed. And frogs everywhere take heed (seriously, have you heard the Bibster's voice?).

By the way, that Mike Bibby link actually goes to, which you wouldn't think...about. But there it is. One day I'll actually look into how many players have their own sites dedicated to them. I also like

By Sean "Ho'omana'o" (previously "snagamat") with 2 comments


Does anyone know of a really good protective towel that I can use in the gym and in my car?

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